CryCry LoveLove

I can’t love you.

i. can’t. love. you.

Four words. That’s what it took to silence me. Four words.
My head went quiet but my heart was pounding, screaming and pushing at me to get out.
But I stayed silent. I tried forming words but to push them out of my mouth; break the agonizing silence that settled upon, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t get myself to say anything without breaking down into tears.
Eventually… All I said was “that’s okay”. And I kept walking.
It took a long tear-filled train ride home for me to get into bed.
I was staring, bandaged; at a wall while having slam poems playing in the background. For the filling of my years.
I felt sick. Gasping to have a fight with a homely wooden door and let it win… for fun. Like I want to scream my lungs out in frustration, anger and pain. Like I want to cry. And cry. And cry. And disappear. And cry some more.
I can’t love you. -
How can I meander to watch the pitiful reflection that forms my face in the mirror now? When all I would think about in that moment is punching her and wishing for her death? How can I let anybody else touch me when his scent still lingers on my skin like a disease. How can I anything? How.
How can I when his face is burning my closed eyes and the ghosts of my soul? When all I wished for once is him. How.
When this hurt is bigger than anything I’ve experienced in this shitty thing called life.
Overdramatic? You think? It’s the sudden impact, and the forever scar. You’ve been here, don’t sell me white lies that you’ve not. So the overdramatism is well approved, thank you very much.
Another list of songs I cant listen to without breaking. Of places I can’t go to without breaking. Of things I can’t do without breaking. Of not breaking.
*Breaking.. breaking.. broken. Transaction complete, we hope you’re happy with this service and hope to see you soon*


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Cov Uni Jets win the American Football National Trophy - American Football Helmets

Cov Uni Jets win the American Football National Trophy


2 a.m. thoughts